Kalkalistan

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January 2019


Government refuses calls to ban harvesting coconuts with monkeys





Agriculture Minister Lakshmana Dhebar has rebuffed calls to ban the use of monkeys in harvesting coconuts, insisting "Kalkalistan has the happiest monkeys in the world and there is nothing wrong with how they are treated", adding that "using monkeys has increased our national coconut yield by 40%, and I do not feel it is right for these politically correct environmentalists - most of them influenced and funded by liberals in rich countries who don't live in the real world - to stand in the way of our economic modernisation".

All over Kalkalistan, monkeys are being captured as babies, sent to special "schools" to learn how to harvest coconuts, and then set to work on coconut farms, often having to work 10 hour days, 7 days a week. Animal rights groups have been expressing concerns, and consumers - particularly international consumers - are beginning to boycott coconuts and coconut products in protest.

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February 2019

Apologise for Kamalata Massacre, government tells Luthori



Foreign Minister Asvalayana Roychaudhuri today visited the site of the infamous April 1919 Kamalata Massacre site, where he met with relatives of the victims and issued a heartfelt call for the government of Luthori to "apologise for this terrible atrocity, in time for its upcoming centenary" and "afford compensation to the relatives". He also made a broader call for Luthori to "recognise the injustice of colonial rule, give us a formal and meaningful apology for what you did to us and provide our country with substantial financial reparations, to reflect the fact we are still - even today - living with the terrible legacy you inflicted on us".

The Kamalata Massacre involved Luthori troops, led by General Cyril Weston, opening fire on pro-independence protesters in a public park in the eastern quarter of the capital city, Kamalata, leaving over a 1000 dead and over 2000 injured. At first, Weston was rapturously applauded in the populist Luthori media as "the man who saved the Raj" whose bold and decisive action had put down what might have turned into a bloody nationwide revolt. However, in the ensuing weeks, the initial "Westonmania" fizzled out and became widespread disgust, once it became clear the protesters were mainly unarmed and posing no serious threat, and that Weston's troops had recklessly opened fire on the crowd and continued to fire even when they were running away. Weston was unceremoniously bundled out of the army in disgrace, although his defenders insisted he he had been made a scapegoat and had only been doing his duty.

Even today, amongst Luthoris who hanker for the old days of imperial glory, there are people who continue to defend Weston's actions. There is even a General Cyril Weston Society, with Weston's great-great-great-great grandson as its patron, which has long been a presence on the right-wing fringe.

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Vascanian Feni Corporation applies for members of the International Club of Alcohol Exporters

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March 2019

Government unveils National Anti-Spitting Strategy





Home Affairs Minister Lakshmana Chattarak addressed Parliament today to scold Kalkalis for their "filthy habit of spitting paan in public places". He went on,

When people spit paan, it is not only a health risk, but it is a hideous eyesore, and shows a lack of respect for our public spaces, for our communities and for our nation. I hate to say this, but too many of our people, especially our young people, are completely lacking in discipline, spitting their revolting red saliva all over the place. This is not a situation I am prepared to allow to go on any further.

He went on to say he had been "consulting carefully" with the state governments, police officials, health experts and other interested parties, and had drawn up a "National Anti-Spitting Stategy" to do deal with "the grotesque Red Menace of paan spitting". This includes:

• On-the-spot fines for spitters.
• Compulsory lessons in schools teaching pupils not to spit.
• A massive public advertising campaign warning against spitting, as well as the general health consequences of chewing paan
• The establishment of a mobile phone app which will allow members of the public to photograph spitters with their phones, send the images to the police and then claim gift vouchers in return.
• Placing posters or images of Gerajan deities in spaces which have become "spitting hotspots". This strategy has had stunning success in deterring spitters in many cases, although critics say it simply encourages them to find somewhere else to spit instead.

Paan is a stimulant made with betel leaves and usually mixed with tobacco, which is chewed and has psychoactive effects on users. It is notorious for causing the build-up of red saliva, which often leads to people spitting on walls, pavements and other anti-social destinations.


The long-term effects of paan chewing




This attempt at deterring spitting did not work


...but this was more successful

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Crowd gathers outside ICAE HQ to protest against Kalkali "monkey slaves"

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May 2019

Foreign Minister urges Kalistan to block public memorial for white supremacist

Foreign Minister Asvalayana Roychaudhuri has written to his Kalistani counterpart, expressing his hope that the Kalistani authorities will "prevent public memorials being erected to white supremacists", warning that they "could become shrines or focal points for racist extremists".

He was writing in response to the recent death of Felicia Ingridsdottir, a pop star who it has emerged was involved in White Power activism.

Kalistan has a small Kalkali community, and anxiety has been expressed about the rise of extremist race-baiting groups.

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May 2019

Government blocks Keymon pineapples on health grounds

The Ministry of Agriculture has announced a temporary ban on Keymon pineapples pending an investigation by a scientific committee of inquiry into whether they are safe to eat.

A statement from the Ministry said "A rising number of reports have been coming in linking the consumption of Keymon pineapples to irritable bowel syndrome, back pain, headaches, general fatigue and period pain" and that "in order to protect the public, the sale of these products is being banned at least until further studies have been concluded".

The Economist, a centre-right magazine known for advocating free market policies, is publishing an article tomorrow claiming the government has "no evidential basis whatsoever for this" and that "it is difficult not to believe the motive is purely to protect Kalkali pineapple growers against a rising tide of Keymon competition".

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June 2019

Parliament rejects bid to repeal Luthori-era Criminal Tribes Act



Parliament has voted by 284 to 116 to reject an attempt by Liberal MP Kasturbai Patvardhan to overturn the Criminal Tribes Act, a notorious piece of legislation from the Luthori era which allows the police free rein to stop and search tribal community members without any reason, and similarly to raid their properties without a warrant. All 27 Liberal MPs and 25 Socialist MPs supported the bill, but not enough of the ruling National Party's MPs swung behind it to enable it to pass.

Home Affairs Minister Lakshmana Chattarak was instrumental in persuading most of his party's MPs to oppose the bill, telling Parliament that "many of these tribal peoples are habitually criminal and do not understand or respect the laws of civilisation in the same way as everyone else", warning that "if we remove this legislation, you will see crime in our villages, towns and cities like you have never seen before - our entire country will become unsafe".

Varuni Havaldar, the General Secretary of the Tribal Peoples Council, expressed his disappointment with the outcome of the vote and accused the government of "effectively running an apartheid system which defines us as criminals and treats us like second-class citizens".

[doc]

Read in The Kalistani Republic

Kalistani Premier speaks out against public Memorial for racist pop star, Keeps Ananto Straits closed to foreign military traffic

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July 2019

Kalopian pop star jailed for "rape" after refusing to marry Kalkali girl


Titos Servos

To the astonishment of the world's media, Titos Zervos, the heart-throb Kalopian pop singer who was scheduled to perform in the upcoming "FUNK" festival in Helios, was today sentenced to jail for 5 years. He was convicted of rape for having had consensual sexual intercourse with a 19 year old Kalkali woman on the promise he would marry her, and then refusing to follow through on his promise after she became pregnant.

Under Kalkali law, a man can be convicted of rape if he induces a woman to have sex with him by proposing marriage, and then retracts his offer afterwards. However, this is controversial, and over recent decades it has become less common for prosecutions like this to be brought forward.

Passing sentence, Justice Induja Nayak said she wanted to "set an example" and "demonstrate to cocky, young men out there that they cannot meddle with the lives of young women like this and get away with it". She also noted that Titos Zervos has a history of anti-social behaviour during his pop tours of Kalkalistan, and has accumulated a long string of minor convictions for drunken and disorderly behaviour.

Legions of celebrities in the Kalkali entertainment industry have come forward to show their solidarity with Servos and call for his release. Motilal Acharekar, the leader of the Liberal Party, has criticised the government for failing to bring in legislation to "modernise" the rape laws, and is being vocally supported in this view by a number of MPs across all parties.

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July 2019

Government under pressure to match Vanakalam's economic liberalisation program

President Amit Vascani was the first international leader to congratulate Suchitra Selvaganapathy on her accession to power in Vanakalam, and is believed to have a warm personal relationship with her going back to when she was a member of the previous Vanakamalese government, but her promise of economic liberalisation is putting him in a tight political situation. Kalkalistan, like Vanakalam, has long been straining under the weight of a "Licence Raj", a system of top-down economic planning where almost every significant form of private economic activity requires official permission - and more often than not, an exchange of bribes and favours with politicians and their officials. Now that Vanakalam is vowing to confront this challenge, a significant section of the President's National Party is calling for Kalkalistan to follow suit, warning that if it fails to do so, then there will be an exodus of businesses and key workers across the border.

Vascani, at 75, is from the more traditional wing of the National Party, and is reluctant to challenge the post-independence settlement based around central economic planning that was introduced by his illustrious grandfather, Prem Vascani, the freedom fighter and celebrated "Father of the Nation" who became the country's first President after the departure of the Luthoris. Opponents within his party argue the Vascani dynasty has dominated Kalkali politics for too long, and it is time for the current Vascani to hang up his boots. However, Vascani seems to retain the support of at least a majority of his MPs, and amongst ordinary party members, who revere the Vascani name, his popularity is even stronger. Despite this, though, with the latest news coming out of Vanakalam, Vascani seems noticeably less secure in his position than he was before.

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July 2019

Kalkalistan to "respect Kalistan's wishes" over Ananto Straits

Foreign Minister Asvalayana Roychaudhuri:

I have written to my Kalistani counterpart, Eduardo Henrique Delgado, to assure him that Kalkalistan will fully respect his government's wish that foreign military naval vessels should not pass through the Ananto Straits. However, I impressed upon him that the passage of merchant shipping in the Ananto Straits area is important to Kalkalistan's economic interests, and I asked him to provide assurances that this will not be affected.

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Read in The Republic

Kalistani foreign Minister addresses Kalkali concerns: Assures the world that commercial traffic NOT to be hindered

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Kalopian government requests release of Titos Servos

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September 2019

Vascani pardons Servos

President Amit Vascani has bowed to international pressure and pardoned Kalopian pop star Titos Zervos, less than 2 months in to his 5 year jail sentence. He was greeted outside the prison gates by hordes of teenage Kalkali girls, all asking for his autograph and begging him to marry them.

Explaining his decision, Vascani said he felt Zervos had been "punished enough" and that "it is time to let him go back to his own people now".

A major Kalkali film studio has reportedly offered Zervos a multimillion rupee contract to star as himself in a movie drama about his ordeal, but if this did happen, the filming would have to take place outside of Kalkalistan, since part of the condition of Zervos's pardon is that he has to leave Kalkalistan and not return within the next 7 years.

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September 2019

Pay homage to Lord Khiva, Science Minister warns nuclear energy producers


Lord Khiva



At this year's annual gathering of the Gerajan Science Association, Science Minister Prabhas Ganjawala surprised some observers by repeating the popular but controversial claim that nuclear power was first discovered thousands of years ago by the Gerajan deity Lord Khiva during his last incarnation on Terra. This claim centres around the suggestion that the "Khiva lingam" (pictured below) which is so associated with the worship of Lord Khiva is not, as is traditionally assumed, a lingam (penis) in a yoni (vagina), but is in fact a representation of a nuclear power plant. He accused "Luthori and Ahmadi imperialists" of "deliberately rewriting our history and brainwashing us into thinking the Khiva lingam is all about primitive genital organs".


The Khiva lingam: penis-in-a-vagina or ancient nuclear power plant?


Ganjawala went on to say it is "incredibly dangerous and irresponsible" for engineers to try to work with nuclear energy "without first paying homage to Lord Khiva and receiving his blessings". He went on to mention the Community of Nuclear Energy Using Nations (C.N.E.U.N), which he accused of "charging head-first into the nuclear industry without knowing what they are doing, without considering the spiritual dimensions". Furthermore, he asserted "it is a proven, scientific fact that no accident or mishap, however minor, has ever occurred at a nuclear power plant where they perform a puja (OOC: Gerajan/Hindu religious ritual) to Khiva at the start of every working day". However, he was unable to expand on or substantiate this assertion when questioned by journalists afterwards.

A government spokesman stated Ganjawala was "expressing his personal views in a personal capacity" and that his views "should not necessarily be assumed to represent those of the government".

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October 2019

Kalkalistan defaults on loan repayments to Beluzia

Finance Minister Nasatya Pande has announced the government will cease its loan repayments to the government of Beluzia, in protest at the fascist putsch. "We are putting our loan repayments on hold", he told MPs, although he held out the prospect that "we would be willing to revisit this issue when Beluzia changes its leaders".

In the years since achieving independence, Kalkalistan has borrowed heavily from a number of governments, including Beluzia, especially during the economically tumultuous 1970s.

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January 2020

Vascani faces election setback

President Amit Vascani is under renewed pressure to announce his retirement plans after leading his National Party to its worstGeneral Election result since the country gained independence in 1947.

The National Party remains very much in political control of the country, winning 299 of the 400 seats, down from 348 before. However, its landslide majority under Kalkalistan's first-past-the-post electoral system belies the fact that its percentage of the vote fell from 61% to 49%. Meanwhile the Liberal Party increased its vote share from 23% to 32%, hauling in 62 seats compared to 27 last time, whilst the Socialist Party increased its vote share from 16% to 19%, hauling in 39 seats compared to 25 last time.

Political observers are now focusing their attention on the machinations going on within the parliamentary National Party, where opinions are bitterly split, not only over President Vascani's future, but over the future direction of the country. Some are eager for the country to go down the road of economic liberalisation and the free market, seeing this as the only way to accelerate economic growth, lift millions out of poverty and catch up with the economic growth rates of neighbouring countries like Vanakalam. Others, however, are fiercely opposed to this, and determined to stick to the existing regime of central economic planning. Similarly, there are divisions over a range of other issues, such as how far the government should go in trying to tackle corruption, caste discrimination and gender inequality. Serious divisions also exist over whether the government should stick to its traditional "secular Kalkalistan" policy, or whether secularism has in fact led to "minority Ahmadi privilege" and Kalkali society now needs to embrace a far more muscular Gerajan identity.

On the economic front, the recent news has not been good, and may have contributed to the National Party's weakened electoral performance. The decision to default on loans to Beluzia was popular, but does not seem to have gone down well with the financial markets. The value of the rupee has been sliding, and the stock exchange tumbling. More worryingly, and embarrassingly, a growing trickle of businesses and workers - many of them skilled professionals - are crossing the border into Vanakalam, in search of a better life.

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January 2020

Kalkali husband-hunters on the prowl in Mordusia


Kalkali Ladies Association of Alcaria

Credible sources inform us that large numbers of well-bred Kalkali ladies have flown off to the capital city of Mordusia, Alcaria, in order to schmooze in high society circles and bag themselves a rich Mordusian husband. In particular, they all have their sights on the most eligible bachelor of them all, Prince Carlos, the young heir to the Mordusian throne. It is being reported that the anxious mothers of the young women have been paying for their daughters to attend special classes run by "royal experts" in order to learn how to handle themselves in any potential royal encounter, the intricate details of the etiquette of the royal court, and the ins-and-outs of Prince Carlos's likes and dislikes.

One lady, who preferred to remain anonymous, told us:

I am one of the lucky ones and have had the honour of meeting Prince Carlos on several occasions now. I made friends with a guy he used to go to school with, and he was able to effect an introduction. It's amazing what contacts can achieve - they're everything. Well, I won't tell you too much, but I will say this: Prince Alonso is an open-minded young man who adores open-minded young ladies, and he definitely - definitely - appreciates the experience, the confidence and the sexuality of the older woman. He's a little puppy, really, and just wants to be told what to do. There have been a few times when he's been introduced to a girl, but he's been more interested in her mother, and that gets kind of embarrassing and awkward.

Another lady, who also preferred to remain anonymous, told us:

I heard a rumour he's head-over-heels in love with the royal nanny, who has been looking after him for all these years, but the King is furious about it and won't allow the relationship to go ahead.